Shy, quiet, reserved, thoughtful, calm- these are some of the characteristics being thrown to someone who has an introversion temparament.

And as much as I don’t like to put labels on my children- undeniably, acknowledging your child’s behaviour can actually help you to manage and nurture your child’s emotional growth.

Allow me to introduce you to my second born daughter. Maryam is 4 years old this year. She enjoys playing quietly with her sisters. During playground visits, she would rather play by herself rather than joining the other kids. While her elder sister jumps at the sight of her friends during playdates, Maryam would carefully tag along.

Maryam is an animal lover. She loves to cuddle and hug(!) her cat and play with the hamsters for a long time. But if you ask her to say Hi or give salam to a new friend, she would run away or hide under my scarf.

If you are lucky, you can hear her talking to some adults that she are comfortable with. But when kids her age try to make a conversation, she will avert her eyes. Oh and if you are a male above the age of 4, don’t bother asking her anything- she will not answer (that includes my brothers in law)

Maryam- my sweet little girl (not sweet when she is cranky or ‘hangry’)

I used to worry how her shyness can be perceived as rude. If we receive guests and she refuses to even make eye contacts. Would they think that I never teach my child about manners? Would they think that my child purposely do not want to interact? Am I even a good parent for letting her get her way?

I used to force her to shake hands with my friends who came over to my house. I will push her to play with kids at the playground. I even told her to be like her sister – outgoing and just enjoy the company of others.

Sometimes she will not budge. Sometimes she follows what I instructed her to do with tears swelling in her eyes. She will play for 5 mins and come running back to me.

Until I realise that this is affecting my relationship with her. She hated it when I force her to do something she is not comfortable. And i got worried for her behaviour. And guilty for forcing her. And she becomes more and more ‘reserved’

So I restrategise (yup parenting is like going on a battlefield , you need strategies!)

1) Accept and acknowledge.

First thing first, I accept the fact that Maryam has an introvert personality. I acknowledge all her temparements and embrace it with all my heart. I look at all the positive traits of introversion feeling.

And most importantly, I stop comparing her with my outgoing and social eldest daughter.

As I mentioned above, avoid using labels (shy etc) on our child because we don’t want them to use these labels as excuses to avoid real life situations (like meeting new friends, going to a new place). Labels=judgements.

When we remove these judgements and acknowledge that she might need more time to “warm up”, it helps us to accept them for who they are.

2) Provide understanding.

When we see things from our child’s perspectives, we can be their translator.

For example at a new playground, your child might resist going up the slide. Instead of pushing and saying “Don’t worry, it is going to be fun!” We can be more emphatic and say “Are you feeling scared/nervous about this?”

3) Prepare them in advance.

We are very big in doing prep talks with our children before going out of the house.

I will also try to bring some forms of distractions for her when we go out ( some papers , markers, coloured pencils, books, stickers etc). A light snack and water are important. And my most imortant tool? Essential oils! To calm those nerves and tame the feelings!

4) Feelings = behaviour ?

Often a child does not know how to express their feelings accordingly. This will then be reflected by their behaviour. See it like a coping mechanism.

Example :

When we are in a family gathering, Maryam might need some time to warm up and talk to others.

To avoid this tricky situation, she will disturb her baby sister, pulling her hairs, carrying her away from me etc.

I know she does not and will never mean to hurt her sister. But by doing this kind of behaviour, she knows she is going to get my full attention and she can now avoid whatever that is overwhelming her.

Solution?

Allow all feelings but not all behaviour.

My child is allowed to feel sad, scared , angry or nervous. But to channel the feelings to misbehaviour? That is where I draw the line.

I will gently talk to Maryam that I will not allow her to hurt her baby sister and I will invite her to sit with me for awhile while I tend to her crying baby sister. She can play with the stuffs that I brought from home to make her feel at ease.

5) Filling my own cup first.

I am a firm believer of meeting my own personal needs first in order for me to help fulfil my children’s needs. Guarding my sanity is important so I can nurture my children better.

6) Constant prayer to Allah.

And on top of all that, I believe in constant prayers to Allah to help me tarbiyah my children every single day.

There will be bad days but surely Allah will never abandon you in distress. Ask and seek solace from Him and only Him and inshaAllah your parenting journey will be eased.