Despite all your efforts in being calm when your kid is having a tantrum in the supermarket, sometimes you just want to scream at him for being embarrassing.

 I know most parents try very hard to stay calm and keep our cool, but when the pressure is on, we just blow it! We screamed at our kids for being late, we yelled at them when they are bickering with their siblings. We sometimes yelled for no apparent reasons (I know i do! And yes it happens a lot of time!).

I admit it is tough. (Very!) but yelling needs to stop (or minimise it). It makes us mothers unhappy and guilty and you know what they said. An unhappy mother is an unhappy household!

Angry is a normal feeling. It is a normal human emotion that all of us feel. But it needs to stop. And I am writing this for my own accountability!

So how do we do it? Where do we start?

1. Identify your triggers

The first step to stop yelling is to dig deep into your feelings and list down what makes you angry.

What exactly that makes you angry? What are the stuffs that you cannot tolerate?

Crying baby? Messy house? Bickering children with loud voices? Tiredness? Lack of sleep?

For me personally, I cannot stand loud noises. I grew up with my mother making sure we use our indoor voices even when we are outdoors! She is the kind that enjoys peace and calm. So anything that disrupts her serenity will caused her feeling triggered and thus scolding us.

And thus, that upbringing affects how I parent my own children. ( I will touch more on this issue on my last point-unsolved past childhood experience).

So anyway,

Finding your triggers is important, because when you manage to identify it quickly, you can react better.

Solution:

After identifying your trigger, FIND A SPACE BETWEEN YOUR TRIGGER AND YOUR REACTION.

What does that mean?

Simply put, When you start to feel angry; instead of lashing out to your child, think of any at-the-moment strategies.

Examples of these quick strategies (that you can choose and adopt to your own situation):

-Istighfar,remember to recite the ta’awudz

– Count to ten

-Drink water

-Go to the other room (Seclude yourself first)

-Take deep slow breaths

-Take some fresh air

-Use some essential oils

-Ask your partner to step in for a while

And remember how our prophet Muhammad Peace be upon him taught us when we are feeling angry?

حَدَّثَنَا أَحْمَدُ بْنُ حَنْبَلٍ، حَدَّثَنَا أَبُو مُعَاوِيَةَ، حَدَّثَنَا دَاوُدُ بْنُ أَبِي هِنْدٍ، عَنْ أَبِي حَرْبِ بْنِ الأَسْوَدِ، عَنْ أَبِي ذَرٍّ، قَالَ إِنَّ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم قَالَ لَنَا ‏ “‏ إِذَا غَضِبَ أَحَدُكُمْ وَهُوَ قَائِمٌ فَلْيَجْلِسْ فَإِنْ ذَهَبَ عَنْهُ الْغَضَبُ وَإِلاَّ فَلْيَضْطَجِعْ ‏”‏ ‏.

The Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said to us: When one of you becomes angry while standing, he should sit down. If the anger leaves him, well and good; otherwise he should lie down.

Grade: Sahih

Reference : Sunan Abi Dawud 4782

حَدَّثَنَا مُحَمَّدُ بْنُ سَلامٍ، قَالَ‏:‏ أَخْبَرَنَا مُحَمَّدُ بْنُ فُضَيْلِ بْنِ غَزْوَانَ، عَنْ لَيْثٍ، عَنْ طَاوُسٍ، عَنِ ابْنِ عَبَّاسٍ قَالَ‏:‏ قَالَ رَسُولُ اللهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم‏:‏ عَلِّمُوا وَيَسِّرُوا وَلاَ تُعَسِّرُوا، وَإِذَا غَضِبَ أَحَدُكُمْ فَلْيَسْكُتْ‏.‏

Ibn ‘Abbas reported that the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, “Teach and make things easy and not difficult. When one of you is angry, he should be silent.”

Grade: Sahih

Reference : Al-Adab Al-Mufrad 245

حَدَّثَنَا عَلِيُّ بْنُ عَبْدِ اللهِ، قَالَ‏:‏ حَدَّثَنَا أَبُو أُسَامَةَ قَالَ‏:‏ سَمِعْتُ الأَعْمَشَ يَقُولُ‏:‏ حَدَّثَنَا عَدِيُّ بْنُ ثَابِتٍ، عَنْ سُلَيْمَانَ بْنِ صُرَدٍ قَالَ‏:‏ اسْتَبَّ رَجُلاَنِ عِنْدَ النَّبِيِّ صلى الله عليه وسلم، فَجَعَلَ أَحَدُهُمَا يَغْضَبُ، وَيَحْمَرُّ وَجْهُهُ، فَنَظَرَ إِلَيْهِ النَّبِيُّ صلى الله عليه وسلم فَقَالَ‏:‏ إِنِّي لَأَعْلَمُ كَلِمَةً لَوْ قَالَهَا لَذَهَبَ هَذَا عَنْهُ‏:‏ أَعُوذُ بِاللَّهِ مِنَ الشَّيْطَانِ الرَّجِيمِ، فَقَامَ رَجُلٌ إِلَى ذَاكَ الرَّجُلِ فَقَالَ‏:‏ تَدْرِي مَا قَالَ‏؟‏ قَالَ‏:‏ قُلْ‏:‏ أَعُوذُ بِاللَّهِ مِنَ الشَّيْطَانِ الرَّجِيمِ، فَقَالَ الرَّجُلُ‏:‏ أَمَجْنُونًا تَرَانِي‏؟‏‏.‏

Sulayman ibn Surad said, “Two men abused one another in the presence of the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, and one of them began to get angry and his face got red. The Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, looked at him and said, ‘I know some words that, if he says them, will remove this from him. They are:

“I seek refuge with Allah from the Accursed Shaytan.”‘ The man went to that man and said, ‘Do you know what he said? He said, “I seek refuge with Allah from the Accursed Shaytan.”‘ The man retorted. ‘Do you think me mad?'”

Grade : Sahih

Reference: Al-Adab Al-Mufrad 1319

I always feel moved and humbled whenever I see how modern daily issues resonate well with what Islam had taught us. We don’t even need modern parenting advices when we have the Quran and Sunnah subhanaAllah.

Continuing on, we can apply what Rasulullah (peace be upon him) taught us in the ahadith above and use it as a quick at-the-moment strategies.

Kids getting on your nerves and you are about to explode?

Stop.

1) Keep silent

2) if you are standing up, go find a place to sit, or get out of the room. Just walk away from the situation for a while.

3) Ta’wudz and dzhikir dzikir dzikir.

2. Ask yourself “is this an emergency”?

Emergency in this case means:

Someone / something will get hurt/ harmed or against the Deen

So if it is an emergency, stop the behaviour.

Without yelling.

Tell the child “l’m sorry but I would not let you hurt your sister”

If it is not an emergency, think – can this be solved?

If yes, solve the problem together with your child . Example, your child spilled milk all over the floor. So instead of you yelling at your child, take a deep breath and remind yourself this is not an emergency and can be solved easily with your child. Invite him to take a towel or cloth and wipe it together with you.

If this is not an emergency but it cannot be solved, change your attitude towards it.

Example, my daughter have problem sleeping at night. Yes sleep is important for the growth and health of our children. But resisting sleep is not an emergency case, but can it be solved? Sure, you can have a slow winding before- sleep routine, put on some essential oils in a diffuser, tone down the lights. But let’s face it, some nights, it just does not work.

Remember if you can’t change something, all you have to do is change your attitude towards it. Instead of reeling at your child, try to not let it get to you. Remember your child is not intentionally pushing your button. If he is misbehaving, there is always something deeper underneath his behaviour. So our job as a parent is to help navigate our child and ensure that his needs are met so he can express his feelings better and in a more positive way.

I am not saying that we should ignore or dismiss our child’s misbehaviour. That will be a permissive parenting. What I mean is we need to CHOOSE OUR BATTLE WISELY.

Children having a hard time to sleep – is it worth your battle? Do you really want to yell at your child for not sleeping?

It might take you 10-30 mins maybe for you to accompany him and wait for him to sleep. Cuddles, bed-time story or if you have a long day, explain to him firmly yet nicely “you need to sleep so you can rest. I need to rest too“ .

That 10-30 minutes can feel so tiring especially when you had a long day. But your presence at that moment is nothing because mending your relationship with your child after being yelled or scolded at takes longer time and a difficult journey too!

To be continued for part 2